Merry Christmas

Christmas Tree
From white cartons
and ornaments.

Religion is dangerous

Religion Is Dangerous said a merchant in Taiko.
Why? Because it can easily gather many followers, and therefore is a
powerful 'weapon' if used.
Since religion is too complex, much bigger than our human apprehension,
therefore we cannot define valid religions by mere perception.
Because we have no right nor power to stop, ban, or proclaim a religion
wrong,
therefore we have no right nor power to stop the actions of the follower
except by mere human/nation law.

Therefore, religion is dangerous.

http://www.liaeden.info/

Warning: I do not endorse this religion nor am I against it.

George Balanchine's Nutcracker

Yesterday bought some ballet dvds, and turned out disappointing, the
first one turned out to be a parody ballet with she-males. ha ha..
The second one, was George Balanchine's Nutcracker, supposedly, but
turned out to be Maurice Bejart's Nutcracker.
A bit of modern, though I must admit I liked how Felix the Cat seemed to
fly all around the room.

I don't really understand the story, need to do some research to
enjoy it.

Misunderstood

I'm so misunderstood.
I'm not sure why.
And I do so misunderstood
or so people tell me.

Are things out of the loop for me
in purpose
or just because?

Am I saying this coz
I'm really feeling the right thing
or did I misunderstood

Kalau A bukan B

kalau A senang itu salahku
kalau B senang itu bukan salahku
kalau A tidak senang itu salahku
kalau B tidak senang itu juga salahku
kalau A diam itu salahku
kalau B diam itu salahmu
kalau A tak mengerti itu salahku
kalau B tak mengerti itu salah A
kalau A sedih itu salah A
kalau B sedih itu salahku
kalau A berkata A
kalau A berkata B
kalau A tersandung
kalau A menjerit
kalau A menangis
kalau A......
kalau A..

salah, salah, semua salah.

Ugly Blue

Saat raga begitu letih
kemanakah kau lari?
carilah elang bermata hijau
ia akan meneduhkanmu dalam tatapan

Saat jiwa begitu mati
kemanakah kau pergi?
carilah kolam mata air
airnya akan membersihkanmu dalam asa

apakah kau punya elangmu?
apakah kau temukan kolammu?
jika ya, bahagialah dirimu
jika tidak, jadikan aku
elang dan kolammu

Dreams

I had bad dreams these days..

The first one is a few days ago, my dad was swimming in some sort of
lake, and there are a few other kids swimming there too. Then somehow
there's a large crocodile at the edge of the lake.
and the kids played around and sort of touched the crocodile's nose and
quickly get away. I don't know why, but my dad approached the crocodile
too, he touched the nose with his leg, like the kids, but he didn't get
away fast enough and the crocodile at his whole right leg. It was very
gory, scary, and terrifying for me. Then I head Dad's voice saying in
his melancholic way "wah.. papa kena ni wi.. gimana dong wi.. " It was
very sad because I was so far.. and his voice sounded like he gave up.
Then Dad's struggling to get to land but the crocodile was very fast
behind him... then I woke up.
I really wanted to cry..and I kept thinking that if it truly happens
what could I do? Run to him and hit the crocodile? Shoot some stones at
the crocodile? What?
I don't think I'll forget this dream. And I am making sure of that by
putting this in the blog.

The second dream was last night.
I was talking to my boss, my dear 'brother' that I wanted to resign. And
he didn't so much prevented me to go, but he has this very dissapointed
look on his face. He was like 'You've dissapointed me after all I've
done for you and all my hopes for you' and eventually he puts up this
'whatever' attitude and he doesn't care anymore what I do.
This is very hurtful! Then I said "well I'm not sure if I can make it
there anyway, a success"
then he answered, "That's why! and We've never doubted you here." but he
didn't say that to keep me from going. He's just saying that.. 'look at
the difference between me and your future company'. And then he gave me
some simple task that I can't concentrate on doing because I was so
devastated with the way he reacts.

God Help Me.

Very scared... very sad..

Strange Remix

Utada Hikaru Kremlin Dusk VS 1.8 mm. Just in inspiration while hearing the song and reading the movie script. Text remix

All along I was searching for my Lenore
In the words of Mr. Edgar Allan Poe
Now I'm sober and "Nevermore"
Will the Raven come to bother me at home
We can kiss everything goodbye.

Calling you, calling you home
You... calling you, calling you home

By the door you said you had to go
Got it.
Couldn't help me anymore
-Just like that?
This I saw coming, long before
So I kept on staring out the window
-Just like that.
Calling you, calling you home
l don't see anyone.
You... calling you, calling you home

I am a natural entertainer, aren't we all
Holding pieces of dying ember
I'm just trying to remember who I can call
Who can I call
They're probably inside...
watching us.
Home... calling you, calling you

I run a secret propaganda
They could just take the money and kill us.
Aren't we all hiding pieces of broken anger
That's why you gotta stay in the car,
I'm just trying to remember who I can call
in case something goes wrong.
Can I call
l owe you everything.
Born in a war of opposite attraction
Everything l am, everything l'll ever be...
It isn't, or is it a natural conception
Torn by the arms in opposite directions
and if it takes me my entire life,
l will pay you back.
It isn't, or is it a Modernist reaction

Born in a war of opposite attraction
And l just don't mean the money.
It isn't, or is it a natural conception
l mean what you do for me...
Torn by the arms in opposite directions
It isn't, or is it a Modernist reaction
what you make me.
Is it like this
Is it always the same
When a heartache begins, is it like this
Without you l'm just a dreamer...
Do you like this
Is it always the same
but with you...
Will you come back again
Do you like this
there's not a thing in this world
that l can't do.
Is it always the same
point, and you pull the trigger.
Will you come back again
I will.
Do you like this
Do you like this
Swear it.
Is it like this
Is it always the same
If you change your phone number, will you tell me
l swear.

Is it like this
Is it always the same
When a heartache begins, is it like this
l love you.

If you like this
Will you remember my name
Will you play it again, if you like this

Oh God

Lemmings - The ugly Duckling.

A cute cover of a game for PSP. it works like Lemmings. Cute and stupid at the same time.

I feel like a lemming. someone out there, tell me where I lived my life wrong, and tell me what did I do right? Because i feel i'm such a mistake..

Jinsei

I.red.the.life.insert.distort.why?save.lord.love.disperse.understand.blue
indiscreet.cry.despair.death.ask.how.rainbow.innocent.accuse.because.kill
baby.remember.seperatelie.force.basic.look.misunderstood.listen.mountains
reason.sense.demand.curls.scream.alone.noiseelieve.end.God.ugly.accept
embrace.steal.bar.imagine.bliss.beyond.life.CAN'T.whisper.evil.sin.jealousy
beneath.water.deep.enter.trigger.vomit.blisters.dream.bored.who?pity.mur-
der.person.appreciate.personality.lost.bring.undead.LIVE.beast.die.grunt.
dirty.slash.drum.memories.good.indeed.try.very.much.long.distant.go.brain
expunge.esteem.where?blink.slow.heavy.berant.sick.restore.brisk.love.bean
.easter.cross.increase.defense.yin.kono.mama.de.ii.deshoo.hate.is.stupid.
best.breast.core.kiss.story.lighthouse.sea.empty.divine.search.stink.lead
translate.error.boss.job.learn.study.life.career.climb.struggle.free.buy.
survive.strange.bizarre.ANYMORE.destiny.unique?desire.originality.broken.
..........................s.i.l.e.n.c.e..................................

5h17

5h17 it's hard to be different.

It always starts with something other than me, but it's always me.

I have the thesis
I have the stupid jobs
and now I have me.

How f***ed up can I be?
Just wanna cuddle up with Polly in bed, and elegantly express my tears with The Ghost Of You.
If the world doesn't have a place for me, will heaven ?

Yin and Yang

Yin was the moon
Yang was the sun
They never met.
But then again, did not the sun rays reached the moon after all?
But then again, aren't they a perfect circle?
But then again, who cares?

Adachi Mitsuru

So now I've decided to list all the Adachi's Manga that I've read, just
so I remember.
Title : - Status - Opinion

Jinbe : - Done - OK
Katsu : - Still Going On - Good
H2 : - Unfinished - Very Good
Rough : - Finished - Very Good
Hiatari Ryokou : - Finished - Good
Itsumo Misora : - Going On - Very Good
Touch : - Going On - VERY Good
Natane/Niji No Iro Togarashi : - Finished - Good
Cross Game : - Going On - Very Good
Slow Step :- Going On - Good
Miyuki :- Text Version - Good

I might change my opinion for some though.. when I've finished the whole
series.

What I haven't read :
Nine
Short Program?

Princes Sayako

Just read in the news that Princess Sayako is getting married out of the family.

Quoting some notable stuff,

"To prepare for the dramatic shift to commoner status, Sayako has taken driving lessons and practiced shopping at supermarkets; the couple has studied catalogs to choose furniture and appliances for their new home."

"It's really hard to clean up things like closets and bureaus just after you move into a new place," the Asahi Shimbun newspaper quoted the lady-in-waiting as saying.
To which Sayako replied: "What, you have to clean up?"

"Sayako's sister-in-law, Crown Princess Masako, found the opposite transition -- from commoner to princess -- so stressful that she had to take more than a year's break from public duties, only returning to the public eye in the past few months."

Check out the news

Regrets, probably?

Dear Friends,

"Sugar we're going down swinging... I'll be your number one... "
the lyric is unrelated, but I'm definitely reminded of all of you when
I'm hearing the song.
It's like we're all standing on a high mountain, and I'll be leaving,
dropping to the midst of nowhere. Hopefully for the better.
Please pray for me good friends. Please don't get angry with me..
Although there's also a possibility that you will be happy with me gone,
I don't mind. I will miss you anyway.

I'll be doing a huge jump, hopefully if I fall, you will still be there
to catch me.

Thank you for so much good time.

Your Humble Turtle.

OSIM

Hehe I caught a man sleeping in OSIM's foot massaging machine.
The pic is blurry but I'm sure you can distinguish his figure. Lol
Enjoy.

Confused..

Once again I'm at the same fork of road.
Both roads leads to fine places, I don't know which one I should go to..
I don't want to be a materialistic girl. I don't want to be a person who
doesn't know how to bide her time.
Yet I don't want to be someone who always loses good chances, and this
is a good chance.
Should I?
Tell me, book of answers. What does my heart say?
Even without the numbers, I will be as confused. It's not about the
numbers, it's about the opportunity. It's about how life would be
afterwards.

I want to ask everyone what their opinion is, but I know everyone would
say it's up to me.
But I can't help it.. I'm just not sure.
What should I do ?!

Patrick and Polly Madagascar

This is Patrick and Polly Madagascar, the newest member of my room / family. They're so cozyyyyyyy.
Guess which is Polly and which is Patrick.

The pic is a bit blur :(

I'm sorry..

When I saw all about her
When I read everything else
When I imagined all about her
I want to forget myself
want to forget who I am, what I was, What I became..
When I remembered about her
I said sorry.. to myself.

1 year 5 months

Yay! It's been 1 year and 5 months ( + 1 if you count the posting date)
Me be very happy. Hopefully this will last years and years and years to
come.....
I adore you!

I wanna dance ballet

Blame the mangas and the movies that I watch, I now have a (short-term?) desire to learn ballet.
As usual I think it's going to be short-term. I usually found out one way or another that it's not going to come true..

But I always thought dancing.. would free me.. from something. As if I can move.. and be happy.
If only I have known this earlier.. or younger.

But I'm going to dream anyway :)

Doodle

This is my doodle to day,.. I had wanted to make it more detail but it ended up being too small to be detailed.

It's a lonely old man looking to the distance. (Yes, that's a man)

Running..

Running Running
Reaching for your Hope
Running Running
Once Again

Behind the frown
Did I see a hint of a sly smirk
Just as I pass by
I know you're holding on

Friends as we are
We'd meet while we run
saying hi
And it's morning all over again

While we run...

birthday piccies

So I finally transfered my birthday pic from my mobile.
It doesn't look too good. I think I need to clean the lenses or something, everyday it's getting even darker.

Here it is.. I'm 23.. *the pic is before I cut my hair*
I ate in Red Bean with family.. yay..looking very happy

I don't want to play games

I don't want to play games with you. I've had enough. You've had enough.
It's sometimes wrong to say the truth.
I'll hold you dear but we won't be together.
I've seen enough people trying to leave me.. and left me.. with anger,
with sadness, or just simply shut me down.
Am I so wrong?

I remembered crying, I remembered pleading, I remembered all the hurt,
but I can't learn. I'm so stupid.
But I can't understand.. how can people leave so casually?

I need people who never leave me.. I need that kind of friend...
I need you to never leave me..

A conversation

A: Wow you hit another homerun! How do you feel about this?
B: I know it's gonna happen.
A: Wow, so are you aspiring to be a no 1 batter?
B: Not really. I just really hate running.

Friendship

I've always been awed, and I always worship stories of childhood
friendship. Friendship that lasts till you're all grown up.. although
most people would think it's too mushy.
I can't imagine having a friend who totally understands me and what I
do, always there, and not fall in love with him.
Therefore I also adore these childhood friendship stories that ends up
in love. ha ha.. how naive..
My top list would be...

H2. Hiro and Hikari. Although I know it's impossible for someone
to know each other so much. It breaks my heart when they din't after all
get together.

I do SOOOOOOOOOOO want Hiro and Hikari to be together. Why don't we just
rewrite the story? It's a beautiful friendship, and more of a love story
rather than Hideo's with Hikari. aah.. regret for life..

Little Women. Laurie and Jo. Not as heart wrenching but still..

Gift (Korean). *forgot the names*. This one really did end up
together. But it's not so touching..

I'll add some more when I can remember them.

But for now.. I just don't have the energy..
because H2 has left me
bereft..

Cut My Hair!

I let a friend cut my hair for experience !!!
it's ... very japanese now HAHAHA
I loook like a japanese high school girl!!!
But it's all cute and fine :)) *altho it did took almost 3 hours for her
to finish with my hair*
Thanks Yumi!

Remember Quartet Cards?

A good friend just reminded me of a card game named quartet, actually it
has also popped into my head a few times this week, I don't know why.
It's a cute card system where you must collect 'family card' that
consists of 4 cards that would be distributed randomly to the players.

It's a creative way to play cards and the design is usually interesting.
I remembered that I had a set of card, and one of them was the 'Dewi'
family card. So in the family group there's Dewi Malam, Dewi Hutan, and
another two which I cannot recall. The pictures are interesting .. hmm
remembering the cards make me want to make my own card set. If only I
have the money and enough Photoshop skills .. lol

Happy..

Happy and black and blue
Why?
I don't know..
just happy..

Falling down the stars

Stairs.. to be exact.

Hahaha I fell down the stairs in a stupid way..
sliding and can't stop myself.. lucky I saved my glass from peril. in
the end I got just a few bruises and a 5 inch skin scrap.
nothing much except that a certain panda was behind me and laughing
saying I fell down in a funny doink doink sequence.. err..

On another note I noticed that people deffinitely work or performed
better when a certain standard or target is set. When a person is given
a standard / target to go over to, they actually believed somewhere in
their mind that it would be possible to do it or that someone else had
done it. I've seen it numerous times, especially in Fear Factor the Tv
Show. The first person is at a disadvantage, because he/she/they don't
know what would be the normal time to do a challenge so they can only do
their 'best'. But when the second person goes, he/she (apart from
already watching how the first person does his act) knows that he/she
has to break that time limit no matter what to get the prize, and
besides the first person had proved that he can do it in such a
time.When you know someone before did it, it became something human to
do. Even if the person who did it was very strong, or that you have only
1% chance of winning.

I've also seen it in my workplace, when I set something to be done in 4
days, it was done. But of course put a time limit that's feasible if we
work efficiently. Not a time limit that's feasible if we work 12 hours a
day.

Stupid Oil of Olay

So the other day Oil of Olay held a program offering to exchange old
moisturisers with their new product Total Effects+.
So mom and I went to the mall at 9.45 AM, before the shops have openned,
and we head to the stall once the doors were openned.

When we got there apparently there's already around 60 people (God knows
from where since the door has just openned). I counted around 60 people
then out of nowhere annoying people come and cut the line, friends from
those in front of us. It's pretty annoying but I thoguht it'd get only
to 70 people or so, but by the time the stall openned at 11.40 (yes it's
a 2 hours wait!) so many people had cut the line.

And guess what, Mom and I didn't get it coz we were the 101st person
from a 100 quota... bummer.

Bad marketing system.. They claimed that they're not responsible for the
line cuts and all.. and I agree, but if I got there at 11.45 and cut the
line in front of their eyes, would they let me ?

It's all probably a lie. Maybe there are some of their own people too in
the line. Cutting the quota short.

Oil Price rockets....

So the government decided to raise the price.. again..
Can't they find any other solution besides making the poor poorer and
the rich richer?

If the problem lies in too many vehicles going around then why do they
give each Representative a lux car?
And all the marketing program involves giving cars away?

Why not instead take all the illegal money from the corruptors instead?
Heck Indonesia's rich enough to let outsiders take its oil for cheap

We're happy!!! Are we?

... office is back!!!
We're happy!!! Are we?

Well first, i'm having a bit of headache + flu symptoms. Not only me, Dad's also having coughs.

Secondly, I had hopes that the office would have a positive atmosphere after all that rest but instead it's still the same thick atmosphere (maybe there are too many people working in the same floor).

Thirdly, There seems to be a number of people leaving the office. It's getting lonelier and if they haven't got the replacement yet that means more work for everyone left.

so everyday I have to drag myself from the bed, everyday thinking whether I can take the day off or not...

Are we still happy, friends?

Self-pity

Does this ever happen to you?

Sometimes I say to myself..
People don't have to like each other..
we can hate each other it doesn't matter
we have our own principles..
or.. I don't care they don't know the real me..

But the more I think about it, the more I realize
They're just an excuse of my fear of being disliked by someone.

Why can't I just say, I hate being disliked, I feel lonely.

As a matter of fact, I just did..

Scary..

I'm scared..
trapped in this illuminosity..
What's going on?
Save us..


I discovered something that made me even more disturbed, such that I cannot write it here... perhaps someday I can retell.

I have learnt something yesterday as I listened to a conversation in front of me. It is that..
When we push our principles, when we chase those others, when we fought and won... we will be the last standing person, and that must've felt lonely.

What does it mean? It means that sometimes we cannot fight for what we believe in, because we are human and we need more than just a correct principle. It is best to hold back, swallow a little bit of pride or indignancies and smile..
Our life might be a lot happier and less lonelier that way.

Idling..

Look what I've done in my 'holiday'! I finally managed to finish what i started almost a year ago. Isn't it cute!!!!!?!? Too bad the picture's a bit blurry and the lighting's all wrong.

Building such a cute thing made me proud of myself.. and gave me some of my confidence that I can finish the things I set to finish after all. It's all in our minds

Tomorrow's my mom's birthday.. and I hope we'll have a lovely time. No nags, no complaints.. just peace.. I'm looking for peace a lot these days.

Maybe it's because of this unfinished office businesses? I'm like a chicken without a head, I don't know what to do.. and everyday I felt like I had made a mistake, that I should have done so much more, guilt, fear, and regret.. of what? I'm not even sure.

How to report user?

I was pleasently surprised a few minutes ago when I saw a comment on my blog.
But then it apparently seemed to be a SPAM comment. Now I'm trying to find out how to report the Blogger user. Can't seem to find any clue on the Help section though. Anyone?

Another silly problem today is that I keep on misplacing my mom's birthday card. Actually it's supposed to be a dad to mom birthday card. I misplaced itself a year ago just near the birth Date, and it has misplaced itself again this year. What's wrong with being my mom's birthday card anyway?

Well well..

Working from home does have its pros and cons.

My Pros:
- I could wake up at 10.00 AM like I did today
- I could do whatever I want in the mean time when I don't have anything to do
- I can wear anything I like

My Cons:
- Internet connection on dial up is very .. very.. bad.
- There's no one to talk to!
- Team Coordination seemed to be reduce 80%.

So I spent my idling time to wrap my mom's presents (which I'm not very good at). I am planning to give her a handbag that she can use to go to the office. So I have to twist the bag this way and that to reduce the paper wrapper space it's taken. I hope the bag won't be ruined by Wednesday...

aftermath..

Then yesterday, all the crews have to wait a few hours to no avail. Waiting for our good boss to explain the situation. Unfortunately, he didn't come in physical (altho he was only about 2 km away) but submitted a message via one of the seniors. What? After those hours waiting without nothing to do?

Anyway from now until who knows when I'm gonna work from home whatever I could until further notice.

I slept till 10.30 AM today, felt marvelous! Haven't bathed and just brushed my hair coz someone from waterworks came.

I'm looking forward to change my blog layout but I'm still waiting for some scans I need.

People are just so...

confusing.

Sometimes we think that an old friend was ready to keep in touch again and instead we're faced with this enermous wall that we didn't know exists!

I'm bummed. But I can't do anything about it because I don't want to sound as if I can't let people go. but still..

You make me uneasy, do you know that? Like Rukia in Bleach when Gin suggested to save her... In one sentence you make my world fall apart by giving me a silent blink of hope and then you take it away again.

It's 00.14 guess what..

My detained colleagues are out from the police q. But
my bos isn't. I must commend him for his resilience
and persistence in handling the case in one day. The
head police (of that particular district) seems to be
missing or refusing to come to the office. I expect
he's taking a sudden labor/pregnancy leave haha. When
anything goes wrong we should always believe that the
country, and its people will stand by for the truth
and lawful (how lawful and truthful are we actually?).

Anyway I wonder how much loss do we suffer when we
close down the office for 1 day?

A competitor has even heard and sympathized me in
Yahoo!Messenger today. He said that they're also
preparing themselves just in case the police came to
their office too. What solidarity! I'm impressed haha.

But i'm sure that they're laughing at us from behind,
somewhere.

Certainly beyond ordinary

Well today certainly goes beyond ordinary.
Our office got closed today by the police. Why? Because of licensing, not software, but polyphonics. That's how dangerous music is.

I was just getting back from lunch. We just went into the office and saw strange people around and I thought we have strange looking guests today. We got upstairs and saw more people, and one with a uniform. Then they asked for our ID, all 29 of us. Maybe my crime records won't be so clean after this?

Things got pretty hectic especially since none of the management seemed to available until almost 3 PM. The office boy freaked out, maybe he had a bad history with the police or something? But one of the guys managed to calm him down.
When we got out the office was closed with a yellow line as if some murder happened there and the neighbor offices were looking out behind the windows. We look like a bunch of underground kids maybe running a secret operation to ruin the government.

I'm lucky I didn't get to be brought to the police quarters coz 'til now they're still there waiting for some official police to set them free. But they weren't being rude at.. that's a good thing. I bought them some drinks, I think the police wanted some too but I didn't have enough, sorry sirs.

But this makes me feel a bit useless, for apart from getting some documents to my boss I didn't really contribute anything in managing the situation.

All's well that ends well. Tomorrow we're coming to work again, hopefully with the servers ready or else I'll have nothing to do. Why don't we all take the day off?


Now I still have to do my homework, which I suck at. Let's hope tomorrow will be a better day.


PS: There's something extraordinary besides that, which is, an old friend called. It's nice to hear his voice once again :) I'm pretty happy about that. All clouds have silver linings..

Buying Book Online and stuff

I just tried to buy books online, for my uni work of course. I wanna see if it really works and they won’t run away with my money. If you’re searching for Indonesian Books and stuff do try to go to http://www.bearbookstore.com I think they need the money. They give 10% discount and a referral program that I don’t care to join. Anyway if they suck I’ll remove the link J

 

There’s a cute site if you’re looking for something to do in your spare time which is http://www.maggiemarket.com . It’s in Chinese but it’s not that difficult to look for the game since it’s right there on top.

 

I’m again using the email feature of blogger.com and it’s convenient if you can’t browse around like me in the office.

 

Remind me to..

Delete this post.

I’m testing the Sending Postings by Email feature.

Cool.

 

Tragic Incidents, Continuation

Continuing from the previous post about tragical incidents, in truth, I am scared.

I'm not too scared to admit that I'm scared, though.
When I hear news like this one, I tend to imagine how it happened, what it felt like for her, how life at that particular moment seemed.

To me, it's surreal. And when we realize that this is some normal citizens, with no strange behaviours or nothing to provoke these incidents. I feel insecure, do you?

And I can't imagine if it had happened to someone in my family, what would I do, what should I do? This makes me unbearably sad for the family. This is not something normal, this is worse than a car accident, or some other. This was murder, intent. There was no telling how frightened she was, how lonely, how she saw death.

This is going to stay and haunt her parents everyday throughout their lives, especially if the killer wasn't caught. Hey it's haunting me right now!

Yes, I too, am tainted with this person's deed. I know I'll forget it in time, those who heard about the news all will, but the family won't.

Why does this matters to me now, you ask, I don't even know her.
This matters because she matters...

Tragic Incidents

Sometimes I think I am a hypocrite, and that most of us are.
Recently there was a university student girl from Binus who was raped and then killed in her rent room somewhere in Jakarta and everyone was talking about it, how poor she was, how sad, how cruel the killer was (for I heard her neck was almost completely cut off). Anyway I know it's horrible and I felt very disturbed whenever I think about this.

But in a sense I noticed a long time ago, and now too, that we try to rationalize these things to accept reality while it's quite impossible to do. And then we feel guilty and we somehow try to identify our relationship with her and we try to find all sorts of reasons to pity her more. For example, that she is currently in her last semester, almost graduating. That she is so beautiful (in my opinion), etc etc that makes this even more tragical.

What I noticed so clearly is that usually even the family of the deceased or victim (in interviews) would say things like this (not in this event, but in others) , "He/She was my youngest,he/she was always clinging to me." Or even the opposite, "He/She was always so independent.. ". And then we'd feel 'what a shame'.

In short, we create reasons to grieve. Why do we need these reasons? Do we feel guilty to grieve without them?

it doesn't make sense when u think about it, so what if she was the youngest, even if she wasn't the youngest wouldn't we all be as sad as well? What's the difference between almost graduating and just graduated, or just enrolled? We'd still be sad, we'd still grieve, we'd still mourn.

Maybe we just love gossip, it's something to talk about. But I must admit that I too, at times agree and create these kinds of reasons in these situations.

And I wondered, whether I'm creating this reason (and this post) just to feel bad / sad about myself?

Actually today was extremely tiring, but it helps to republish an old blog every now and then doesn't it? When nobody cares it's good to know that you always have yourself...


Can we help being the person that we are?
or should we always wear that impeccable facade that we are truly not
all kings must be powerful , strong and wise,
all queens must be elegant
they made so much sacrifice
for us that could not understand who they really are..

Please understand.. who I am..

Republishing Babablue-Blues

While hearing X-Japan, I'm reannouncing the past, not renouncing. Yes it's all coming back to me.
A lovely box with a soft purple ribbon on it,
Where all the shadows that haunts
will be kept
and celebrated
each and every second