I haven't been writing for over a year. Actually it's been exactly 1 year if I look at the date, I just realized. I wonder how I am suddenly feeling the urge to write just today.
I'm writing because these are words I cannot express otherwise, this would be a silly conversation topic to walk up to anyone and start talking about. I'm writing because this is how I control myself.
I have recently come across a story. A true story.
It tells of five best friends and colleagues, who worked together everyday for years and one day were separated. It was hard and all they seem to want is to get back together again. I must admit this is not relevant in any other industry / companies except theirs. You move companies and there's nothing wrong with that, you can still see each other and talk to each other. Not them, though.
I find myself crying for their pain, which is clearly visible in the video. At the same time, they remind me of my own life and perhaps that is why it hurts me too. The friends I've left behind, the loves that were lost, the space that has come between us. This is what I feel too. It is not easy to forget. It has been years and I still haven't forget. I dream, and they are painful dreams. Saving relationships are like trying to guard your sandcastle from the coming tide. You feel it's slipping free of your fingers. You try to build another one, each time you have less time, and the castle never got as tall as the previous one. Until one day you are left with nothing but grains of sand and the memories of the castle you once had.
Sometimes, to some, we talk meaningless things. Anything but the most important things.
I can remember the time when I resigned my job to move away. I cried myself tearless. Now I look back and sometimes I shiver at how childish it was, I can't even bear replaying it in my head. People must have thought me so immature. Whoever cried so much when they resign? Yet perhaps I'd do it all over again. Because that was my sincerity, that was my feeling, my attachment to the people around me.
I also remembered when she left me. I keep replaying the scenes and thinking what could I have said that prevented her from going. What could I have fixed.
The thing is, there will never be closure, especially when someone just closed the door on your face and you have no way to sort out things or any second chances.
I hoped they will all 5 come back together again. I hoped that myself and hims and hers will go back to the way we used to be. It won't happen. It doesn't seem to be happening. You're left with a wound in the heart that wouldn't close but instead waiting for the heart to come back.
This is still who I am. I am still waiting. And to you, if you are reading, I will still be there for you when you need me.
As for the story, if you are interested, just listen to this song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ak4gz01N_k and perhaps you will understand.