Giving Us a Chance

If I may have another life
I'd do it looking for you
If I have to relive another nightmare
Why not if I could've met you

If I could be reborn
There's no reason I would refuse
For the wind and the reason
would still blow me to you

If I were to be reincarnated
why would I meditate
for it is another chance
for us in fate

If we were to die
I'd make sure we'd live
and meet just a little bit earlier
for love to live

A tiring journey...

It's a journey to the end of the world, or the beginning of the new
heaven. It's a journey to find a true light.. and when I get there, if I
ever get there. Will I look upon you beside me who walked all the way
through it, or will you be somewhere within the light, too bright to see?

I'm just tired, for being on the wrong side of the road, for sitting
across the room and on the wrong side of the table.
And if I never get to the right side, I need someone who smiled and
never gave up hope.. instead of someone who said "Whatever, I'll see
you when you arrive.." Don't we all need the same thing?

Dreams..

私は孤独の夢を見た

A Sober Cocktail

He thinks he's good
But he's not
He's just an old boot
A fantasy too tight

She thinks she's good
But she's just okay
She's just another foot
on the wooden tray

Dancing away
Yes just dancing away
Well they're having fun
A bit too much of sun

Isn't it wonderful
how love stays

The illusion was great
A martini on the ego
But they're really just
Shaking a third mambo

Dancing away
Just dance away

Swing set..

I dreamt of my two good friends... whom I rarely met because they don't live here.
I met up with them.. had a chat.. and they were both *suddenly?* married
in the dream.. and they told me that they have a child
And then somehow I was on a swing set.. and swinging away.. and a friend
pushes the swing as it comes by him.
and he pushed again.. .and then harder
Then he pushed the swing away too hard.. and I flew... and I shut my
eyes and curled
Waiting for the fall .. and the darkness after.

..

I'm running look at me
I'm smiling look at me
I'll never get tired
coz I just can't simply die

When I made the headlines
were you ever proud
When I was hit by that plane
did you ever cried

I'm tracing your steps
With a dozen roses and words
When you smiled at him
I looked at you

Thank You
Was just never enough
I thought you'd fall for a hero
If you were like everyone else

But you didn't
and you said you can't
but I've saved you a thousand times
and I would again
even if you don't
and even if you can't

So I guess it's not true
A hero doesn't make love comes true
and I'm just a hero
who loves you

Sunyi..

An old collection of my poem..

Dalam silau sinar pelangi kaleidoskop
aku kehilangan sosokmu
yang kuputar tanpa henti
tapi kau tetap tak ada

Dalam lingkaran kucari titikmu
titik itu masih ada
masih beredegup biar meredup
dan aku masih terus mencari

daun musim semi tak hentinya berjatuhan
aku baru sadar
musim gugur saat ini
saat aku menatap baju usangmu

dalam cerita sungai rindu
aku menanti tetesan suaramu
untuk kusimpan
agar aku tidak akan lupa

aku ingin waktu
agar aku lebih berbaring
mengingat hangat telapak tanganmu
yang kini tak berbekas lagi..

.

Stupidity isn't cured by working, or studying... It is cured, simply by
forgiveness.

I used to love you like rain

I used to love you like rain
I used to love you just for nothing
It's hard but I remembered
that I loved you for free

I used to bathe in your deaths
I killed you so many times
I don't know
What I became

But it's true that I remember
I used to love you forever
When the time comes you'll see
I loved you for free

What's left in the desert
No one knows
But it's not love
It might be me

I used to love you like rain
I used to love you just for nothing
It's hard but I remembered
that I loved you for free

It's hard to be happy
I don't understand why
When I open the door
I love you even more

Pursuit of Happyness

So I watched the Will Smith movie, actually half expecting to cry.
Can't say it's the best movie ever made, it's good because it's a true
story and that gives us some hint on how not to whine so much.

The movie goes around Will Smith who's a father of a 3 year old boy. He
and his wife lived in an acceptable rented house and sells bone density
scanner for a living.
He made some bad choices buying the scanners with his own money thinking
that he will be rich so soon. But life has other plans.
He couldn't sell for a few months, his wife has to work his part and
their kid ended up in a strange playgroup house.
One bad choice and luck after another, his wife left him and went to get
a new life in New York. He ended up running here and there for cash, and
even a place to stay.

It's a story about struggling, and can be frustrating to watch on a
Sunday night.
I didn't really cry but the most touching part of it was when he just
got out of the office at the end of the movie and all the crowd walking
around him.

In short it's like, you've got a wife, you've got kids to feed, you have
no job, you're homeless, you would love to have a respectable job to pay
for the family, but sometimes you gotta steal the chicken. Most people
understand and will forgive it, but not unless you're the guy who owns
the chicken. I can't help thinking what happened to a taxi driver he ran
out on, maybe those few dollars were just what he needed to pay for his
son's hospital bills, or maybe it's his dinner. Nobody knows.

Dear God

It's very simple
It's just a dot away
You're so predictable
You're just a dot away

It's life's rules
It's destiny's taunt
You don't have to choose
You'll live forever
I won't

I'm getting itchy
You're nagging me
If it's that simple
why don't you give it to me?

So I'll make my own dots
That has nothing to do with you
just wait and see
I'm going to be me

But still..
however I look at it..
you're just a dot away
and smiling so deviously
I'd forget you were God

Bitter Sweet experience..

So most of you probably knew that I went to Malaysia the other day.
It was a bitter sweet because it's a combination between the best trip
and the worst trip ever. Visit-wise it was awful, the hotel, the taxi
drivers, the flight attendants, almost everyone.
I can only say.... that don't .. ever.. ever stay at Federal Hotel in
KL. As I won't, ever again.
On the other hand I get to meet a lot of special people, who I will
always remember and miss. I totally love them :) I hope I get a chance
to come back soon and have more fun.
I only have a few pics of me there, and it didn't really show the place
hahaahaha but I don't mind at all. Go and take a peek of us :P

Anyway.. missing them everyday :)

Cleaning Up My Closet

Well, I've been on a hiatus, probably because I forgot all about the blog.
Not that anyone really noticed.

We had a great flood all over the city, and the family was forced to move out to the apartment for awhile.
Last week the flood subsided and we started cleaning up. Suprise suprise, we're not finished yet.
I lost many books, :( not just mine but also people's, and my craft thingies. I hope my weaving loom isn't affected but I have yet to see it.
I wanted to take some pictures of the wreck, but turned out my camera batteries are dead.

There's still so much to be done, and going to the office isn't helping at all. Somehow my office mood lately has been grouchy and uncooperative.

Goodbye

Rain falls ever soft
a gentle reminder of..
is the sun hiding away
from having to see you walk away?

Grey is the wet pavement
nothing is ever so wrong
for a gentle reminder of..
the day you went away

It might be easier than I thought
to let something go
maybe I already have
a few weeks ago?

When the seat is empty
and I have survived even
how anything would not be
be a reminder of you?

More Weddings

Enough already!! Please no one get married these few months anymore!
I ran out of money, ran out of dresses, ran out of hairstyles!! :))

I got 2 weddings this weekend, which means my whole weekend. One is a
junior high friend, and the other is a work mate.
The first one is more like a reunion, it was so funny meeting all those
friends from way back.
Most of them look the same, but some have an amazing transformation.
I'm glad to see how some people were still as friendly and clicked as we
used to.

The second one was .. well.. like working since I met most of the people
in the office as well :)) only in a different outfit.
It was pretty good and pretty windy. I think i caught the wind.
It was also rather sad when they asked us to take a picture, since it
would probably the last picture we will have together with the Groom.
The groom is resigning soon.

Oh well, congratulations to both couples. I'm happy to be a part of your
big day.

Aftermath

Sometimes people die not in the midst of the crisis.
They got through the crisis.
They die after. Some time where they've thought they've faced the worst.
But actually the worst part is not the loud chaos. It's the silence after.

Like in Titanic where Jack and Rose had survived the ship. When
everything was so much calmer, he had been to tired to hold on.

Sometimes you put every strength in your body and mind to get through
something and to win or achieve something, only to find out that when
you've won it you don't have any strength left to keep holding on.

Drowning?

I think it must be like drowning..

you find yourself suddenly choking.. wanting to scream. To say something at least.
You have a clear mind but you have no idea what to say, and how to say it.
How can you? When you're hardly even breathing?
You watch yourself getting further from the surface, from Life. And what came out of your mouth is a bubble of groan. A whimper, a pathetic bleat.

Then it's just the basic survival thing. You keep kicking and you keep gasping and even when you cannot say anything you try your best to cling to Life. Why? You asked, because the only other option was to Die. There was no logical reasoning in wanting to live, no romantic words on how you wanted so much to live. How do you talk yourself out to Life, and debate with Life to make it stay with you for as long as it could?

You can't, and because I can't, I can only try to breathe myself back to Life.


And it's so much like living,
The way I wanted to grab at any second that i have left, any minute, any days. Though it must end someday, whether in Death or in some other ugly form. But you can't help to want it to last a little bit longer.

Oh but that's only because.. perhaps.. that I consider life only with you

Challenges

I watched a short overview on television about Kyoto.
There was this very old guy who worked in one very expensive antique inn ($1000 / night). He worked as a guests' shoe care-taker and he was very proud of what he does there.

Then there were a few old workers on an abandoned railroad in one of the areas, and they build back the railroads to activity and hustles and bustles on their own initiatives. The comopany was almost bankrupt, and they thought since this would probably our last try, while we're waiting to be kicked off let's do something to prevent it! Which I think was an enermous thing to do, most of us would turn our backs and find another job. But they made it.

Success is a step away from when you feel like giving up.

Then, even still there was a girl who worked as... eerr.. I'm not sure what but it's some kind of a fishcatcher. She's still an apprentice and confesses that right now she's still learning how to pull back the rope, at which she will still need 3-5 years to master it before learning something else.

She absolutely has ambition and determination. But her ambition does not run wildly, she has ambition to be perfect in what she does. Most of us does not and will not think this way at all.

I have absolute awe and respect for this people.
Though I can never be like them, but I'd like to think that I will someday be as proud as the shoe caretaker.

Recently I've gotten numerous job from my boss. Some of it are actually my job, which I don't mind getting except that he's giving me extra load about other jobs as well. I'm trying to do it without mouthing any complaints to him or looking reluctant, it's a bit tricky to do with all the deadlines coming up.

I keep reminding myself that, this isn't much yet, I would probably need 3-5 years to be truly expert in this so I should take my time and learn everything I can while I do my tasks.

I also keep reminding myself that, when all the unfairness and petty annoyance happens around me, I need to focus and contribute 'my share' to the organization and not mind these so much. I shall not be envious, shall not be too gossipy ( a little won't hurt much right?) , shall not be sly to anyone, shall not try to make someone else look stupid. Be honest, be humble, do the job right.

I hope I can keep this challenge.

It's just me.. again..

I cannot bear to see you lying there..
I cannot bear to be helpless
I want to be the one beside you when your tears starts rolling
I want to be the wind that supports you when you fly
But I am simply reminded
How I can't..

The sad thing about weddings is...

to realize I do not have many friends at all, no one for me to be able
to say, he/she is the one who is able to propose the toast for us..
who knows enough about us, to say the truth...
one who I can ask to shop around with me, laugh, coffee, and live my
last single days with me...
Hopefully by the time I get to that point, I'll have a few ;)