It's time to talk about the toilet business again. There was some process involved in relieving yourself. The prison had a big toilet inside the building, one where there are no stalls or partitions, just toilet bowls sitting in array. The ladies toilet was in another wing, and was reserved for the soldiers. That leaves this toilet being unisex.

The process involved was approaching one of the guards and telling him you need to go. If he says it's okay, and okay would depend on how many people have already gone inside the building you will walk toward the building entrance, where there's another guard in front of the door. You will also need to tell him about your purpose and he will let you in. The toilet wasn't so far from the door, so an escort was not necessary, besides there is nothing inside where you can do anything anyway.

Needless to say, being a unisex toilet and one that doesn't have any compartments means some adjustments was needed. Intuitively, the men would go together, and they will refrain from going to the toilet if a woman was known to be inside. Apart from a few harmless incidents, this arrangement worked well.

Marie was in the toilet, for quite some time now. You were playing another round of cards with Ern, and she said she had to go. You joked and accused her of running away because she was losing, but she said she'll be quick. It was already more than ten minutes, you wondered whether she changed her mind and really did run away. Something you know was impossible. Your thoughts turned, did she get a stomachache, perhaps? But your own bladder was protesting, you needed to go as well. You told Ern, and he merely said, 'When you have to go, you have to go man. Don't piss on me.'

You nodded and told him you'll check first if Marie was around and call her out. You walked to one of the guards and told him my intentions. He shrugged, his face impatient. There were not the usual number of guards around, somehow. There were only a few. This batch of guards were especially bad, they were violent and wild. You need to be on your toes constantly with these kind of people, no taking chances. You walked quickly to the building, passing the second guard.

It was poorly lighted inside, the walls were dark grey and stark. Of course, it was a prison, what would you expect. There were empty rooms, meant for the guards or some administrations. There were no furniture. The building itself was cracked, like a bad case of earthquake. The damage probably were caused by the bombs that fell all around the area.

You walked quickly towards the toilet, 'Marie?', you called. No answer. You reached the toilet door and called once again. Still no answer. You pushed the door open, there was no one in the room, just the sound of water leaking to the floor. You looked back to the corridor, nothing there as well. Frowning, you closed the door and quickly relieved yourself. Where did Marie go? She's not an adventurous person, had she gotten lost, or fell down somewhere?

Finished, you flushed and absently washed your hands with some water. You exited the toilet and cautiously walked to the left, it was the opposite way of the exit. Perhaps Marie was in the next room. You passed three rooms, door ajar and empty. There was not a soul nearby, which was strange in itself, there's usually one or two guards resting or around. You thought perhaps Marie had gone back but was talking with someone else. You turned around to go back, and heard a muffled cry.

You turned around swiftly, did you hear it right? There it was again, a cry of protest, faintly. You crept on slowly forward, feeling the wall with your hands. The room at the end was the source of the cry. You walked to the room just before it and held your ear against the wall. You clearly heard voices now. The walls there was thick, but there was a crack along the wall that made the voices clearer. There was no choice but to go to the crack and look inside, it was too late to go back even if you were so scared of getting caught. 'But what else can they do to me anyway, even if they catch me?' you thought.

You put your wet fingers beside the crack and peered in. The crack wasn't too big, but enough to look part of the room. You gasped.

It was Marie, sprawled on the floor, tears leaking beside her eye. A big hand was clamped over her mouth. There were four other guards standing beside, their weapons ready. Terror washed over you as you saw what was happening. Her clothes were off, torn and thrown aside. She was naked. She was shivering, no, shaking. The guards muffled her cries, and he slammed her on the floor, pinning her down with his body. She was small enough that he only needed one hand, the other hand was busy taking off his own trousers. You bit your own hand to stop yourself from screaming. You shook as the other guards laughed, and started to join. 'no', you thought. 'NO!!!', you thought. Not her.

A lot of things went through your mind at the same time, alternatives quickly discarded the minute they came. What if you shouted, who will help? No one. What if you come there and try to help her? You'll be dead. What if you go back and call the others? Still you'll be dead, there were guns there. What can you do? Close your eyes. Save her from the humiliation of being seen, pretend you never saw this. That was the only logical path that would not lead to instant death for the both of you. So you thought.

You gripped the wall tightly, and moved away slowly. It was so painful, it was like being ripped bare to face the real truth about yourself. You gasped, struggling to breath for a while. You covered your mouth while you crouched for a long moment, against the wall that separates you and Marie. You half dragged your way out, stumbling, searching, wanting to run. You can't forget her eyes screaming for help, the light dying out as the guard was on top of her. You tried to block it with other memories of her, but none was as strong, no other memory can erase another. IT doesn't work that way. But still you tried.

Marie was sweet, Marie was a positive girl who accepts things, who was going to be happy. She wasn't plain, she was interesting. She was strong, even if it doesn't show physically. She glowed with intelligence and positive charm. She never tried to be someone else, because she respected herself, whatever she did was honest to herself and to those around her. She was an angel. You remembered when she stood and be a spokesperson for a charity cause, you remembered when she danced her own choreography of contemporary dance, you try to remembered when she was glowing.

Still, it didn't work. Everytime you think about something beautiful about her, your inner self burned. You burned because you know she wasn't going to be the same after that, you know they have ruined her. You know it's going to be a scar that changes someone forever. You know even if she smiles afterward there will always be a pain inside her that she would be feeling. She will never be the girl who's always true. She won't be the girl you loved ever again.

Your heart broke with an agony, a cry that bring shame and humiliation to yourself. You found your way out and walked away from the building. Each step as unforgivable as the next one, a step of denial, a web of deception underway. You walked past the guards, waved Ern away, you just wanted to be alone. You walked towards a corner, where Mrs Green was sitting down, mending a shirt. She looked up at you and the words she wanted to say died on her lips. Instead she just moved over and gave you a space beside her.

You sat, folded your legs in front of you, and hid your face with your arms. You started to shook, and silently cry. Beside you, Mrs. Green continued mending the shirt without saying anything. It helped you, giving a little bit of yourself to her. Knowing you've always known when she cried. It's only fair.

You cried because of the betrayal you are making, your cowardice, your helplessness. You despise yourself perhaps in the same par with the guards. They have torn her apart, but you, you condemned her silently in your heart. You can never love her again that way. She was gone. The girl was not the same to you anymore, so why would your love stayed? You know you were wrong on all logic, she needed someone even more than ever. Her family was away, she had no one to support her. She must be terrified and confused. She was still Marie, perhaps changed for the worse but shouldn't love went over that? Shouldn't a proper man, be a man and saved her? Shouldn't you, the one who claimed she was an angel, made sure she still had someone who loved her and reminded her she was worthy?

No, your love couldn't. Perhaps it was never enough. They touched her like you wouldn't have, they defiled her soul. You can never look at her and remember the angel, you can never touch her without remembering what you've seen. She was lost, and she didn't even know you're leaving.

You didn't know how long you stayed that way, crouched shamelessly crying. No one else seemed to notice much. When you looked up you wanted to just disappear. Marie was walking back, rather limping. She was dressed again, the guard was smart enough not to tear her dress apart. She was fazed, pale, and her eyes seemed distant. Her face was wet, she must've washed off all the tears before she returned. She looked around, perhaps looking for you, and you tensed. No, don't see me just yet. I can't see you, you whispered slowly to yourself. She walked slowly to her place, Ern was still there, concerned.

She sat down, and seemed to whisper something to Ern. He looked around, not finding whatever he was looking for he shook his head at Marie. Ern seemed to be comforting her, he tried to put an arm around her but she shook it away instead. She whispered something harshly, and he got up and walked away looking confused.

You heaved a breath, and lie down on the dirt curled up like a fetus wishing for a moment that you were never born.